I hope he doesn’t think I’m a tease. Sarah took her mobile from her pocket as she walked home from Matt’s house. She wanted to call him and say goodnight, but looking at the screen she saw she had no reception, so she slipped the phone back into her jeans. Tonight just wouldn’t have felt right. Even though her friends were all doing it, she wanted her first time to be special. Something she could remember with a smile not a grimace.
She tossed the events of the evening around in her head, from the moment he had greeted her at the door with a bottle of wine, to the moment they had ended up on the bed together. The wine had made her feel sick, but she drank it anyway. It felt kind of sexy, like she was one of those women in films sipping a drink, the great seductress. Except she hadn’t seduced him at all had she? She had stumbled up the stairs reluctantly, and in a drunken stupor had taken him in her mouth, each thrust making her gag. Now, she ran her tongue over her teeth checking that the taste had gone along with the mouthwash down the sink in his parents’ en-suite. He had seemed so ready to do it, to go all the way, which made her wonder if there was something wrong with her. Maybe, like he had said, she didn’t like him as much as she thought. But she knew that wasn’t true. She hoped he knew it deep down too.
The outside light flicked on as soon as she opened the gate. Reaching into her pocket for her keys she unlocked the door, slipped off her shoes, and tiptoed upstairs to her bedroom. Not bothering to put the light on she slid into the cold bed, phone in hand. The glowing screen lit up the room like a lighthouse. Gazing at it, she shook it in an attempt to get reception. A couple of bars flashed up seconds before the message tone sounded. She quickly pulled up the duvet to drown out the noise for fear of waking her parents. ‘One message received’ she read. Smiling in anticipation she pressed the button to read it, and her heart thumped hard when she saw Matt’s name. It took a couple of seconds before the message flashed like a beacon in front of her eyes. Her heart stopped. She read it again to make sure she’d read it correctly. ‘Sorry, hoped tonight was gonna b something special but obv not. Ur dumped.’ She blinked in disbelief. Surely this was a joke. Urgently tapping the ‘down’ key, she saw this was the whole text. Tears welled up in her throat. How could he do this to her?
Matt sat at his desk staring at his mobile phone screen. He felt kind of crap for doing this to Sarah, but tonight had been the night. His parents had gone out and wouldn’t be back until the morning so he had the whole house to himself. Besides, what was he meant to say to the lads on Monday? He’d told them he was going to do it tonight and it hadn’t happened. Anyway, it was better to dump her now before she decided it was getting too heavy and dumped him. He would have been the laughing stock of the school.
He bent down and flicked on the PlayStation. His fingers danced across the control pad and he watched the tiny figures race across a bright green pitch. In his mind’s eye he replayed earlier events and for a split second he wondered what he would have done if she’d decided to go all the way. It wasn’t something he’d thought of before. Sure, he had the condoms and the second hand stories from Dan in the playground, but when push came to shove, would he have been able to do the deed? As his fingers scored a goal for Tottenham he smiled, of course he would. There’d have to be something wrong with him if he hadn’t. But what if she’d started bleeding? He’d heard that girls could do that. What would he have done with the sheets? He didn’t have a clue how the washing machine worked. Maybe it was best they hadn’t done it after all. Anyway, he had dumped her now so what was the point going over what was finished? It was strange she hadn’t replied though. She normally did within a few minutes, but at this moment, winning against Arsenal three-nil, he really didn’t care.
The match was into extra time, and his eyes were starting to sting, when he heard a knock at the door. He glanced at the Spiderman clock on his bedside table. It was bang on midnight. Who could be knocking at this time? His mind flashed back to the time he’d watched Scream at Dan’s house with some other friends, and his heart flipped in fear. The knocking came again. He took a deep breath and got up quickly. He walked down the stairs slowly. When he reached the bottom, he was tempted to call and ask who was there, but changed his mind. It was probably Dan and the guys playing a prank; they knew he was alone for the night. He didn’t want to seem like a pussy so, convinced of his visitors, he flung open the door, braced for a pile-on. He did a double take at the figure in front of him. A ten-man pile on couldn’t have hit him as hard as seeing Sarah stood there in the rain, her eyes puffy and her hair wet against her face.
‘Can I come in?’ she asked.
He didn’t know what to say. What was she doing here? Stepping back he let her into the hallway. She slipped off her coat and hung it on the end of the banister. Shutting the door on the teeming rain Matt turned to see Sarah peeling off her jeans.
‘I changed my mind,’ she told him with her eyes on the floor. ‘I want to do it.’
His heart was in his throat. What was she thinking? Why was she doing this? And another question he couldn’t answer; what would he say to the guys on Monday if he didn’t do it? He stepped up to Sarah and awkwardly took her face in his hands. He pulled her hard towards him forcing his tongue into her clam-like mouth. Her body fell back for a second before her arms wrapped around him and her tongue began caressing his. It was as if earlier had never happened.
Matt’s hand crept up Sarah’s back and gripped her bra clasp. She almost screamed. No one except her parents had seen her naked before and she wanted to tell him to stop, to tell him that she’d changed her mind again, but then what would she tell the girls on Monday? They’d all done it and wouldn’t understand why she hadn’t. Before she could have another thought, her bra and t-shirt were on the floor. She stood clumsily in the hallway, her skin crawling with goosepimples while she watched him unzip his flies. Were his hands shaking? His jeans fell to his ankles, his boxers jutting out towards her. She reached down and grabbed it, unsure what to do.
‘Do you want to go upstairs?’ he asked, reaching out for her limp wrist and leading her to the staircase.
She drummed her fingers on the banister as she followed him, willing away the feeling of dread with each step.
She woke up before him and looked over at the shape his body made in the duvet beside her. Had they actually done it? The pain between her legs told her they had, but was that it? Was that what everyone was going on about, those awkward five minutes of poorly punctuated pain? Surely there was something they were missing. She looked around the room at the football posters, the clothes on the floor and the static on the television screen. She couldn’t have lost her virginity like that, she couldn’t have. But she had. A feeling of regret covered her like a second duvet, one that was thick and heavy and impossible to shake off. She stood up and walked quietly to the bathroom, regret draped over her shoulders and dragging along the ground behind her.
Hearing her footsteps down the hallway Matt opened his eyes. He’d been awake for the last couple of hours but couldn’t bear to see her, to speak to her. Was that what all the fuss was about? It barely seemed worth it. He stretched out in bed. At least it was over with now. He could say he’d done it. The first time was the worst time, he’d heard, so hopefully next time would be better. He looked at the sheet. Shit, she had bled. He hadn’t even noticed last night. But then, last night it had been so dark he’d barely been able to see her. Maybe that had been for the best, anyway. She’d been making noises like she was being strangled all the way through. Those noises were off putting enough without seeing the faces that went with them. He heard the toilet flush and resumed his sleeping position.
Sarah came back into the room and slid into her jeans, pulled her t-shirt over her head and shook out her hair. She turned to study her face in his Simpson’s mirror. She didn’t think she looked any different - no older, wiser and definitely no sexier - just the same as every other day of the week. Still, the main thing was that she’d done it. She just hoped the girls would believe her. She looked at Matt and smiled so thinly it was barely visible.
‘OK’, he propped himself up in the bed, ‘last night was good wasn’t it?’ he asked.
‘Yes,’ she said looking back in the mirror to see if the lie showed on her face.
She stepped over to the bed and kissed him before walking out of the bedroom, down the stairs and out of the door into a cold winter's morning.
She walked home replaying last night’s events in her head. The whole thing made her feel sick to her stomach. It was all so uncomfortable, intrusive and painful. She wondered if all girls went through this or if she just hadn’t been ready yet. By the time she got home she felt as if she’d made the biggest mistake of her life. Why hadn’t she insisted that he wear a condom? Thank god her parent’s weren’t home. In her bedroom, she pulled the curtains closed, slipped into her pyjamas and slid into bed, hoping that after some sleep she’d feel better. She was awoken after about an hour by the beep-beep of her phone. Hopping out of bed she pulled the phone from her jean pocket and navigated through to read the message. This couldn’t be true. ‘Think we went too far. I don’t think we should go out anymore. Hope you understand.’ The tears rolled down her face and onto the pillow. She turned and willed herself to sleep, hoping she would wake to find the last 24 hours had all been a twisted dream.
We all hope, but should one person's hope take precedence over another's?
Sometimes the wanting, the hoping for something is better than getting it. When we are young we often hope for many things, the experience of which can leave a bitter taste.
